The Mental Wealth of Parenting
At 35 years of age and throughout my adult years, I’ve heard tales of how the outcome of the lives of my peers have been shaped through the lens of childhood. How their mother’s and father’s presence or neglect either physically or mentally has affected the thought processes and decisions made both good and bad. I am included in the tales of outgrowing the traumas of my inner child while being both an adult and a parent now myself.
“If I didn't have children I’d be this or that by now.”
“I would go back to school but I can’t because of the kids.”
“My kids come first, once they leave home, I’ll start living”.
These declarations have resounded in my psyche as a child and are still repeated today by some of my peers. When I became a mother 12 years ago, I decided that I would not allow parenting to stop me from “living”. I was determined to accomplish all of my goals and aspirations despite motherhood. Notice this, throughout the years I’ve said DESPITE motherhood instead of in addition too. What I had done unknowingly was separated my enjoyment of life and my self-identity from parenting. I began to see both my role of parenting and my child as a responsibility instead of a positive and interactive part of my life. How did this happen? I’d converted the fear of being a burden on my mother growing up as a mantra of not allowing myself to be “burdened” the same way. The idea was to not allow my children to feel the way that I did because they did not hinder me from reaching my goals or take from myself identity. However good the intention, the method was still completely wrong and in turn a different form of neglect was crafted. (all unknowingly). My oldest daughter has said these things to me:
“You’re always too busy.”
“You never make time; I’ll wait until you have time for me.”
Now, I am a mother of two daughters. What mental healing will my own children need because of my poorly placed determination and my pursuit to outwit my inner child. What pain will inflict their inner child if I do not change these actions? Therefore, I have begun to build a reservoir of mental wealth that my children can withdraw from on their own and into adulthood by depositing these things:
Honesty.
I have learned to be honest with my children in a way that is pure and appropriate. Which in turn allows them to be honest with me. Here is an example of honest interaction.
Me: I do not feel like playing right now, I have other things that have my attention that I need to get done. Give me an hour.
My daughter: I can agree with that as long as you come back to play in an hour and I get your attention.
These are not word for word exchanges but the concept is the same. It is inevitable to have to divide your time between parenting and the hats that we wear in life, being honest and clear about your time spent creates a healthy bond of trust between you and your children.
● This helps the parents: maintain a clean and clear mental space rather than build up internal frustration.
● This helps the child: establish trust and belief in knowing that their parents are reliable and trustworthy in words and action.
2. Accountability.
Children are not responsible for the emotions of their parents. I’ve learned to take accountability of my emotions and not allow my children to feel responsible for my feelings. I may be frustrated from having had a hard day of work or become impatient in rush hour traffic. I quickly reassure my daughter that my frustration is not with her nor is she at fault. My problem is mine alone and I’m working to come down from this emotion so that I can be present in the moment with her.
● This helps the parents: navigate their emotions and maintain accountability.
● This helps the child: learn self-reflection and accountability and not to take on the emotional burdens of others.
3. Balance
Similar to honesty, I believe in a healthy balance of time. I also believe that time apart from your children can be positive for both parent and child (within limitations.) I find that I am a better mother when I step away to do the healthy things that I love to do. Be it taking a scenic walk, going for a swim, getting my hair done or just having a cup of coffee by myself. These things aid in positive morals that allow me to be a happy parent.
● This helps parents: keep positive morale and enthusiasm.
● This helps the child: With overall happiness. A happy parent and environment makes a happy child. It can also teach children how to explore their own self-identity.
4. Reassigning Guilt
This is a big one for me. I am learning to let go of past mistakes that were done to me by my parents and mistakes I’ve made as a parent myself. Instead of holding on to the guilt of what's been done wrong. I have reassigned guilt as wisdom. Now, I draw from wisdom when issues arise within the parent child dynamic and my parenting skills.
This helps the parents: Learn to minimize the repetition of the same mistakes, while demonstrating wisdom when future issues arise.
This helps the child: Learn to grow from their own mistakes made rather than harbor them. Along with learning to regulate negative emotions.
These methods are designed to help me navigate the ever-winding road of parenting as I venture away from my inner child onward towards the joys and responsibilities of motherhood while building a reservoir of mental wealth that my girls can withdraw from throughout their lifetime.
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